Here’s to you Mama Bear

I have a beautiful, intelligent and extraordinary friend, that we shall call D. She is an activist, urban, modern woman who has her head on straight. She has always been one to defend others, stand up for equal rights, and many other things I give her standing ovations for. Just finished her Masters degree she is off to rule the world. She and I have always clicked, from the very beginning since we share many of the same views on life and how we choose to live ours. She and I have always done things similarly and have truly in every sense, grown up together. For example we shared hard first loves, harsh realities about life and religion, first heartbreaks, college, discovered ourselves, underwent family issues…every single thing we did we could relate to each other and support each other. Now the time has come where I can only offer support. She found out that she was pregnant last week, and the father of her baby left her. This wasn’t any one night stand or anything of the like. This was a man head over heels for her…until she got pregnant. He simply texted her that he no longer wanted contact with her and that he would have none of it.

Distraught, hurt, abandoned, confused and overwhelmed she went to the clinic to have an abortion. She and I have always shared the same views on pro-choice, and both knew that it was a very valid decision. We’ve always said “every baby should be a wanted baby.” As she sat there at the clinic answering questions with the doctor she felt something she thought she would never feel; a change of heart. She just couldn’t do it. Something inside of her (literally) wouldn’t let her go through with the procedure. She instantly felt motherly instincts that she never knew she had in her. She immediately started talking to the doctor about her options and after a long hour there left, ready to conquer her pregnancy.

D texted the father and told him that she had made a decision and wanted to share it with him. His response? There wasn’t one. He never replied to her. How could someone do this, I don’t know. How do you not only abandon the mother of your child but the child as well? Or at the very least he could offer support. Anything in this hard time and life changing event. I can only shake my head in shock and complete disgust.

Now D is coming home to MN to get the baby’s next 9 months of life prepared. She is fully aware that at any moment she could miscarry. Any moment decide to give the baby up for adoption. Any moment decide that she will raise this child alone. Whatever she does, I am sure she will make the right decision for herself and this child. This entry is for all the women out there who are in the same boat or have ridden in this boat; For every single woman who was left to make this decision on her own, raised a child alone, gave a child up for adoption…anything. This is to all of you.

Give D your support, advice or story and follow her journey @ noslekkimnwad.wordpress.com. (Simply click on the link ‘Birds and Bees’ on the right side of my page to be directed there.)

I love you Mama Bear.

Good morning! How about a cup of WTF.

Sundays are usually fundays for me. I usually don’t spend them trying to defend myself from personal attacks on my self esteem and decisions but I guess there’s a time in life for everything. Yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing two of my aunts, one that I haven’t seen for a good amount of years. It all started off the same, “Oh how are you?” “What have you been up to?” blah blah blah. Then my Aunt M asked “So where are you working?”

“Oh I nanny right now!” I answered happily.
Pause. “What do you mean?” She asked me. WTF do you mean what do I mean?
“I take care of babies and kids.” I explained feeling completely stupid for having to explain the obvious.
Another pause. This one longer. “So you take care of babies.” She didn’t really ask, she just paraphrased.
“Yes.” I answered with one strong nod. WTF.
“Are you expecting?” Was the next question.
“No?” I answered. WTF!

Within 5 minutes of our lovely conversation I was already irritated, insulted and offended. First off, what the hell is wrong with being a nanny? I’ve never been happier. I have worked in corporations, managed stores and offices and had people working under me, and never was I as happy as I am now, being with kids. I love my job. Who the hell is to make me feel as if my job isn’t worthy?

Secondly, what the hell does she mean by asking me if I am expecting? So if I was prepping for the birth of my own child it would be acceptable to take care of other people’s children? Or was it that if I was expecting, then I couldn’t get another job? I have no idea what she meant, and now reflecting back I wish I had asked her what the **** she meant!

“Well, I’m in grad school going for my Masters, so nannying gives me a lot of time to do my homework.” I instantly regretted saying this. I shouldn’t have to defend my job. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s my decision. But it was too late.

“Ooohh okay! Well that makes sense.” She sighed in relief. WTF. Again, I was offended. “Besides you have a husband who can support you.”

WTF!!!!!!!! No offense to my husband, who I love very very dearly and respect, but I don’t need anyone to support me lady! I have been on my own ever since I graduated high school, I’ve always worked full time, went to school full time, paid my own tuition, paid my bills, bought my own car, paid for the roof over my head, etc. etc. WTF. No one supports me. My husband and I are equals. I didn’t want to start a war, or embarrass my husband so I kept my mouth shut but I was fuming. Fuming!

I spent the rest of the day ignoring the fact that I was insulted but late last night I could not stop thinking about it. What is wrong with my family? If my family is representing society than what the hell is wrong with society? I have a degree, but one doesn’t only go to school for a degree. What about the social aspect? The knowledge? The joy of learning and having furthered your education? Besides even with my degree, I am still me, and I can decide what career makes me happy. What the hell is wrong with my decision? And would I have had the same, or worse reaction if I was a stay at home mom? For a country who has been pushing women to stand up for themselves, and to make their own decisions….why are we judging people who take the traditional route? I am not stupid because I choose to watch children for a living. I graduated top of my class in my Business major. I was, and could still be a kick ass manager. I want to watch kids. I want to nurture them, educate them and influence them. I want to be there for them and help them grow in this world as best as they can. What the F is wrong with that? I don’t even know what my Aunt would have said if I told her I was going for my Masters to eventually teach elementary children!

Our country likes to shake their fingers at the women who left their children to pursue a career instead. However we are the same country that is shaking their fingers at the women who decide to stay at home and not pursue a career. So what is this? A lose-lose situation? To each woman their own damnit! And now. Onto “my husband supporting me.” Yes, he supports me. Emotionally! Mentally! But I do not depend on him for anything financially. How dare anyone say that to me. And how dare they automatically think the husband is the breadwinner. And how insulting that they automatically think my job means I make less money. I make good money assholes. Better than I ever made before.

Grrr. Yesterday was a hard obstacle for me, but in the end I know that it comes down to what I want and what I do. No one should be able to make me doubt that. However, it sure makes me wish people weren’t so judgmental.