Sh*t My Nephews Say

I am off my happy streak and in a miserable mood today. I need a good laugh. And maybe you do too. Here’s a collection of quotes from my nephews, whom we shall call Woody and Buzz. Bound to break a smile out of any block of ice. Make sure you read all of them-they are just too great.

Buzz: “I want a job so I can make 100 moneys. Then I can buy treats at the party store and treats at not the party store.”

Buzz: “Remember when we saw the bass on TV sing, “Give me back my filet o fish, give me my fish”? That’s what bass say when they get old.”

Buzz (with hands thrown up in the air): “Because I need the truth about everything!” -When asked why he had so many questions one day.

Woody’s latest songs: “Vivi is a stool” and “You’re a booger. You’re a face.”

Buzz: “Never never never!!!!!” -Screaming at the doctor’s office when informed that he would be getting a flu shot.

Buzz, Age 5

Woody, Age 3

Buzz: “But she’s not the only girl in the world. You’re a girl, Vivi’s a girl, grandma’s a girl…” -When Rihanna’s “Only girl in the world” song comes on in the car.

Buzz: “Why can’t we just visit God at his house? Not church, his house! And then come back?”

His mom: “You’re going to grandma’s tomorrow so I can clean up the house.”
Buzz: “But mom, you’re not a maid remember!?”

Buzz:  “Well, I think the plate bent down and the table cloth moved up and the bananas just slid right down. And that is the truth!” -When it was discovered that his “cleaned plate” was sitting on the table. (After he got his treat too.)

Buzz to his cousin: “My dad has grandpa’s station wagon!”
Cousin: “What’s a station wagon?”
Buzz (very excitedly): “It’s a car that when you start it, it’s really loud!”

Buzz: “When will I have two moms?”

Buzz: “I can give you peace. Just like John Lennon.” -When told there would be no TV for some peace and quiet.

Woody: “Miss Hannigan is mean. She needs soap in her mouth.” -When asked to watch Annie.

Buzz: “If the speed limit signs are white with numbers, what color are the slow limit signs?”

Buzz at bedtime: “Mom, if I be nice to Woody tomorrow, and I don’t hit him or kick him or push him, can I have treats?”

Buzz: “Thank goodness you don’t have whiskers mom, or you would scare the baby.”

Buzz: “I loooove you Miss Hannnigaaan.” -When being scolded by his mother.

Woody: “Nope. I just want to pee in my diaper.” -Deciding he was done with the toilet.

Buzz: “Grandpa B acts kind of mad when he’s here. And, he has a scrappy face right, like polka dots all over it.”

Woody: “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride, and Bingo was his name-o!”

Mom: “We’ll find out in a few weeks if it’s a boy or a girl.”
Buzz: “Or a husband.”

Buzz: ” I wish you were a boy so you could wear pirate underwear too…(pause)…when do you think you WILL be a boy?”

Buzz: “We need a baby girl named Anna. We should buy one mom. And if you wait until I’m five, maybe I will be able to reach the cupboards.”

Buzz: “Mom, when is grandpa getting back from his trip? Wednesday or Friday?”
Mom: “Sunday.”
Buzz: “That wasn’t a choice mom!”

Buzz: “Can I get that meal with the toy?”
Mom: “Yes you can get a Happy Meal.”
Buzz: “What id they only have sad meals left?” -At McDonalds

Buzz to Woody: “You have to be good because Santa, and the Easter Bunny and God is always watching.”
Mom: “Yes God wants us all to be good people.”
Woody: “And to take naps.”

Haha, I feel better already. Gotta love kids.

 

 

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